Simplifying?

When I started this blog, I did it to reach out to other moms because I felt lonely.  I am happy that since then, I have spent time with other mothers, and some old friends too.  I think your feedback has helped me gain some confidence.  Thank you for that.

I  have been completely out of ideas for what to write about.  I've thought of something for today, and I hope I will have ideas more often now.  Sorry for the dry spell.

I don't know if it is just mothers, or if it is all women who strategically plan out everything.  The second I wake up, I am planning each and every move in advance.  1 - get dressed, 2 - let dog downstairs (because if Jude goes first, dog will push him over)then let Jude downstairs, 3 - let dog out, 4 - put Jude's porridge in microwave, 5 - turn on Netflix, 6 - put porridge in freezer to cool quickly, 7 - change Jude's diaper (to give porridge time to cool), 8 - set Jude up at high chair, 9 - Give him porridge and turn on cartoons, and 10 - finally get crying Murphy and feed him (because I didn't want to have to bring him down at the beginning just to sit around and sob).  It's the easiest way I can think of and I do it every day.

I even try to plan things out for Wade.  Poor guy.  One night, all I wanted him to do was put food and water out for our dog, then let him in.  I asked him, "Wade, would you bring the bag of dog food to the porch, fill Lenny's bowl, bring the bag back along with the water bowl, fill the bowl with with water, bring it back to the porch, then get Lenny, please?"  and he replied with, "So...feed the dog?".

I know that is all I could have said, but when he comes home at the end of the day I feel bad asking him to do anything, so when I do, I want it to not take too much effort.  I knew that if I said just feed the dog, he would have taken an extra trip to the porch and back that he didn't need.  Of course, I made it complicating by using step by step instructions for something so simple, but I know I would want to avoid an extra trip if I could.  He, on the other hand, doesn't care.

When you have little kids, cooling time for food always factors into your "simplifying" step by step process throughout the day.  You need enough time so that it is edible, but if it gets too cold, you risk starting all over again if it gets too hot in the microwave.  I have been coming up with some tricks though!  Some of you may have thought of them, others may not have children, or your kids are too young, so it hasn't become a problem for you yet (it will!).

Lately, when I make Jude porridge in the morning (instant oatmeal), I make sure I have little containers of applesauce (like the school snack ones) in the fridge.  As soon as the porridge is out of the microwave, I dump the cold applesauce in and it brings it down to a perfect temperature, and keeps it thick enough for a two-year-old to keep on a spoon (unlike milk).  I'm sure you could use other things like yougurt, or pudding as well!

For cooling down suppers, I sometimes make stove-top/microwaveable vegetables (like peas and carrots) before-hand and keep them in the fridge.  You can put the cold vegetables into soup, chilli, lasagne, stew, almost anything really.  It saves your child a lot of time waiting with a hungry tummy.

If any of you have any other ideas for cooling down food creatively, please let me know!  My little guys get super demanding when they're hungry!!

Holidays

As a child, I remember being so excited for holidays.  I couldn't wait until the morning when I would finally see what Christmas presents I got, or what was in my Easter basket.  I would be so excited to go trick-or-treating on Halloween, and I would count down the sleeps until my birthday.  I find myself still looking forward to all these days, but for whole new reasons.  My boys.

I remember this past Christmas, I would all of a sudden picture in my mind my little boys in their matching reindeer jammies (that I knew they were getting from their grandma and grandpa), matching reindeer blankies, in their carseats watching movies on their new dvd player for the Jeep.  I would get so excited and would want them to open the presents that second!  It was the same feeling I would get as a child where I wanted to open my presents as soon as I saw them under the tree (a few weeks early).  This year, I kept forgetting that there were gifts for me under the tree.  It just didn't matter to me any more.

Wade and I went shopping for Easter baskets for the boys this week.  We had so much fun picking out toys, candies, and baby cookies.  We even bought a bone and bandanas to put in a basket for our dog, Lenny.  We filled up the shopping basket, bought everything and left the store.  I couldn't believe that my own cravings for chocolate didn't even cross my mind!  It just made me so happy to think about how my little guy's faces would light up when they saw their baskets.  I thought about how much fun Jude will have when he's hunting for Easter eggs all over the house.  Their happiness is far more important to me than my own now.  I thought it would be a gradual change from selfishness to selflessness, but it wasn't.

When I was little, after the excitement of opening my presents wore off (a little bit), I would think to myself that it must be so sad for my mom and dad to not have many things to open.  I thought that they were missing out.  They never got Easter baskets, and they never got candy for Halloween.  When I thought about growing up in that light, I didn't want it to happen.  But what I've found seems to be a wonderful surprise.  Seeing your own kids excited and happy gives you those feelings of being a child all over again.  It's great.

I've spoken to people my own age who haven't had kids (which is a good portion of them).  Some have told me that they are still too selfish to have kids.  They say they aren't done being all about themselves.  In a way, I understand.  There are days where I wish I could just be me and do what I want and go out and have fun, but after having kids, my idea of fun has completely changed.

I used to think driving around all day, going to the mall, or staying up late to watch movies was fun.  Now I think taking my kids to the park, or colouring pictures with Jude, or making faces with Murphy is fun.  I don't really feel like I'm missing out on other fun I could have.  My definition of fun and happiness is very different now.

As Children, we are all self-absorbed by nature.  We do things that will make us happy in the moment, and we are more excited to receive than we are to give.  Before we have children, we may think it would be hard to give up that mindset and change ourselves into giving, selfless parents, but in reality, it isn't a choice or even an effort.  When you have kids, their happiness is your own.  I get so much satisfaction in making happy memories and special moments with my kids.  Happy Easter!

Hold My Baby!

I don't know if it's just me or not, but I really do like when people give me a break from holding my kids.  I think it's so funny thinking back to when I never had kids and I was always so shy to ask to hold other people's babies.  If they said I couldn't, I felt so embarrassed that I ever asked.  In reality, the baby probably needed to eat right away or something.

I was in church a few weeks ago, and a few girls I went to high school with were there.  After the service they asked if they could hold Murphy.  I willingly passed him off and dealt with all the stuff we brought and needed to clean up.  They kept asking me if I wanted him back yet.

I realised something.  When you don't have babies but love to hold them, you feel like everyone must feel like that.  Especially the mother.  You think that if you think the baby is so cute and fun to cuddle, that if the mother loves the baby even more, she would want to do it all the time.  In reality, that's not completely true.

On the other hand as the tired mother trying to multi-task all the time with a baby in one arm, and having the other arm to do all the things I need to do, I generally assume that when people are holding my baby it is to help me out, and that they are doing a favour.  I feel guilty making them hold him for too long, so I am always asking if they want to give him back so they can do whatever they were planning on with the ease of using baby-less arms.  When I offer to take him back, they more than likely assume that I miss cuddling him.  It just goes back and forth.

As I was eating lunch after church, I just wished I had a big sign to hold up that said "Hold My Baby!" because I was trying to eat, and he is in the reaching for everything stage.  I was sure that there were nice little church ladies who would love to cuddle a baby, I just never wanted to ask it of anyone.  People have offered before and I just asked "Are you sure?" because I know it's difficult to multi-task.

I think I just need to realise that if I think people shouldn't assume that I want to hold my baby every second of every day (by the way, only people who have never had kids think that way), I shouldn't go assuming that people don't want to eat with a baby on their lap.  Some people might consider that the highlight of their day!

So if you ever offer to hold someone's baby and get turned down, you probably shouldn't take it personally.  I'm sure most of the time, the mother of that baby would love to just relax for a couple minutes.  And If you're a mom, relax.  People will tell you when they need to leave or when their arms are falling asleep.  Enjoy knowing that a lot of people enjoy holding babies.  It's also nice to see how cute your own baby is from far away sometimes :)

Locked Out

I just thought I'd share a funny story with all of you.  A couple of days ago, I was barbecuing out on our deck.  Now, our deck has no stairs off of it.  It is just a nice little square hanging off the back of our house.  It is pretty high too, so jumping the railing is too high for me.  I went out to get the steaks in my sweats, tank top, and socks.  I closed the slider door so that Jude wouldn't come out in the cold with no shoes on.  Just as I was about to come back inside, he locked the door on me.

Wade had set up his xbox at the computer desk, and used headphones so that Jude, Murphy, and I could watch something on the tv.  Murphy was sleeping in his swing, and Jude was playing at the sliding door watching me freeze on the deck.

I was trying to yell through the door to explain to Jude how to undo the lock, and when he would jiggle it, I would pull on the door.  Then he would pull on the door and laugh.  He thought it was the biggest joke ever.  I was laughing too, because I felt to stupid for getting into this mess.

We have floor length curtains over our sliding door and window to the deck.  I asked Jude to go get his daddy, but all he would do was run around the curtain and laugh.  Then I would laugh and he would keep doing it.  I felt like my life was in my little 2 year old's hands.  I was knocking on the door as loud as I could, and I couldn't even tell if Wade was coming because of the curtains.  Then I would ask Jude to fix the lock and we'd start the process all over again.

Soon, Jude started running around the curtain again, and collided with the door frame.  Usually I would think that was a bad thing, but this time, I saw it as an opportunity.  I told Jude that I couldn't kiss it better and he had to go find his daddy.  He ran to the living room in tears.  I banged my fists on the door.

After about 30 seconds, I saw Wade through the little opening in the curtain.  He saw me and came to the door.  He opened it and said as if he was mad at me, "Did you even know Jude fell down the stairs!"  I told him that Jude had me locked outside.  "He didn't fall down the stairs!" I said, "He hit his head on the door, and I was happy because I could finally get him to go get you!  He's been laughing at me out here for quite some time, and I've been hitting the door trying to get your attention over top of your headphones!"  Wade smiled.  I said, "No way can you be mad at me for being locked on the deck!"

I brought in the steaks, Jude stopped crying, and we all ate supper.  I will never again go out there without my phone.

Judgements

People are judgemental.  It's the way we all are, even if we wish we aren't.  It's sad.  In school we feel judged by everyone, and it doesn't really change as we go on in life.  Every one of us has been judged in our lives.

I took my boys to story time at the library this week.  Many kids preschool age are brought by their mothers or babysitters.  The moms sit around and visit, and the kids look at books, play with each other, and do crafts.  We showed up late, and I got my boys out of their coats, and sat on the floor in my own little area while Jude got the courage to make friends.

I listened to people around me.  Some moms were talking about how much their homes were worth, and what kind of house they were planning on buying, and other moms were reading to their children who could read along with some words already.  Meanwhile, Jude was walking around making up gibberish while adding a few real words in every once in a while to make it sound like a sentence.  He was playing nice with the other kids, and sharing books.  Murphy sat between my legs on the floor and looked at books with me.

I couldn't help but think that I was less of a mom than everyone else because I was young.  I'm not a home owner, Jude can't name every single animal that he sees, Murphy can't sit up on his own yet, Jude isn't potty trained, and the list could go on and on.

It seemed as though I was being judged, and they didn't even know anything about me.  But I was being judged, only by myself.  

I am way too hard on myself when I'm in public with my kids.  If Jude throws a fit, I feel that it is a direct reflection of my parenting.  If Murphy doesn't smile at someone, I think that people will make the judgement that he doesn't have a happy home.  It's ridiculous, because once I'm home, I don't think those things at all.  When I'm not surrounded by strangers, I know that Jude throws a fit because he is two and that's what two-year-olds do.  When Murphy doesn't smile at someone, it's because he's simply grumpy, or making strange.  It's normal, and all kids are like that.

I can never really know what people are truly thinking about me, or if they're even thinking anything at all, but what my mind comes up with is way worse, I'm sure.  Like I've said before, since I'm so young, I feel like I have to appear that I have absolutely everything together.  I'm going to be 21 this month, and when I go out, I want to look as good as the other 21-year-olds, but I also want my kids to look as put together as the kids with 40-year-old parents.  It's hard.  If anything is off like my hair beig a mess, or Jude's face being a mess, I feel so insecure.  However even if everything is perfect, I feel insecure, because I feel that people will think that I put my kids last so that I can do my hair.  It's just silly, and I should just let it go.  That's easier said that done.

I do find that mothers judge each other a lot.  Well, women in general judge each other too much, but parenting is just an extra thing on top of it all that we can pick someone apart over.  It's such an important part of our lives, and it effects our kids.  How could we raise or kids the best way we can, and not expect others to do the same thing we're doing?  We do everything that we do to make our children feel loved, safe, and happy.  I think that if our children feel all of those things from us, all the little details don't really matter.  Obviously people will do things you don't agree with, or you might look down on them for something, but if you step back and realise that they (like you) haven't been given a parenting manual, and they're just learning one day at a time, maybe you'll be more empathetic.  Likewise, if you step back and realise that YOU haven't been given a manual, and YOU'RE just learning, maybe you can cut yourself more slack.  Chances are that you are judging yourself more than others are.

Wow! It is hard finding time to keep up with this!  Thank you to whoever is still reading!

Since my last post, Wade and I celebrated our third anniversary.  Three years isn't that long, but a lot has happened during them.  They have definitely been three very important years.

To celebrate, Wade and I went out for supper at a restaurant in town.   It was nice.  Jude and Murphy stayed with their grandma and grandpa and when we picked them up afterwards, Jude surprised us with a giant heart-shaped cookie that he helped decorate, and a card that he coloured.  I loved them!

It's so fun to see proof that your babies love you.   Jude was never really a "momma's boy", and the only times I could tell that I was really important to him were when he would bonk his head and need a kiss.  He never liked to cuddle, or give kisses, or anything.  He has always been too busy.  Murphy, on the other hand is a snuggler AND a "momma's boy".   If he sees me and I'm not holding him, he will cry.  I sometimes love that, but other times, I just wish he could go to someone else for a while so I could get a break.

It's easy to tell that Murphy thinks I'm special, and sometimes I take it for granted, but with Jude, I cherish every single thing he does to say he loves me.  

Whenever Wade tucks Jude into bed, I hear a little "Mommy, hug?" and when I walk into his room, his arms are spread wide open and he gives me the best hug ever.  I also taught Jude to say "pretty" whenever I ask him how I look.  Every once in a while he'll say "mommy pretty"  without me asking for it.  And one day, when I was stressed out about who knows what, Jude just said, "Thanks, Mommy".  I asked him, "For what?"  and he replied, "Juice...cars...George." because I had got him juice and cars, and put Curious George on for him.  It surprised me to find out that he noticed that I did those things not because I had to, but because I loved him.  I brought tears to my eyes.

I was also amazed with the love Jude could show when before Murphy was born, I gave him a doll to play with to help him understand that we were going to have another little baby soon.  He pushed that doll around in a little stroller, and kissed it, and set up a bed of blankies so that the baby could have a nap.  The kindness and love he showed that baby continued to his little brother when he was born.  Jude has been so sweet with him.  He covers him up with a blanky, gets him toys, pushes him in his swing, and teaches him about trucks.  I think he shows kindness and love because that is what has been shown to him, and he appreciates it and notices it.

It's frustrating sometimes to be a parent when your child doesn't want to cuddle you and kiss you and just wants to be their own person.  Sometimes they are just too busy (as Jude tells me he is when he doesn't have time to eat his supper).  But, if you can stop being busy for just a few minutes and think about the things your child does on a daily basis, somewhere in their actions, I'm sure there is a "Thanks, Mommy." in there.  You have done so many things that you didn't have to do, but you did it anyways out of love, and they notice.

On a side-note, Jude learned how to say "Love you" the day after Valentines Day.  Now every once in a while, I get it in words <3

Forgetting

Often parents say that once their child was born, they no longer remembered what life was like without them.  I couldn't agree more.

I can't believe that Wade and I used to go to the city without car seats, strollers, and diaper bags.  It amazes me that I used to be able to do my hair and make-up for hours if I wanted to, and pick clothing based on how it looked instead of how easy it would be to feed a baby.  We used to be able to stay up late, and go wherever we wanted, and just be relaxed having fun.  I can't believe it.

Those are all the things I wish could have stayed the same, but of course there are things that are way better now then they ever were before.  I can't believe that before I had Jude, if I was crying, no one would come up to me and ask if my heart hurt and then give me a kiss.  It's also hard to remember exactly how quiet our little basement suite was in Saskatoon.  Many people miss the quiet of a pre-child home, but I don't.  It was terribly lonely.

When I think about things I sacrificed, it's sometimes depressing.  It's hard to see other girls look so put together and pretty when I feel much less than that, and I know they had so much more time (and money) to make themselves that way.  I'm jealous that they can leave their house without anyone crying.  But when I get home from a little (much needed) alone time down town, I get to walk into a house greeted by my little man who asks how my day was (even if I was only gone for ten minutes), and a big smile from my baby.  I can't remember what life was like before I felt so loved by two wonderful tiny boys.  It maked the bad hair days so worth it.

Happy With What I've Got. Too Young to Quit

Hey everyone!  Sorry I haven't updated in a while.  I think I'll try to make sure I'm posting at least once a week!

After having Murphy, I told Wade that maybe we could stick with just the two boys and be done having kids.  I like having two little guys.  I figure that in 18 years, Murphy will be graduating from high school and I will be 38, and wade will be 39.  Then we could be alone together for pretty much the first time in our marriage.  Obviously Jude wasn't born yet when we got married, but we knew he was coming!

That sounded like a good idea to me.  To be young and an "empty-nester".  That is, until I said "empty-nester" out loud.

Thinking of my boys starting kindergarten has given be bad dreams.  I never want that day to come.  I will miss them so much when they are off at school!  I don't even want to think about when graduation comes along, and they move away from home (which happens all too quickly I am warned).  And when I am not quite 40, most of my friends will probably still be picking their children up from school every afternoon, and having supper as a family.  When I think about it, I never want to give that up.

Of course, I will have to release my children into the real world at some point, but I definitely don't want a childless home in my thirties.

Someone told me that when you have a family, and you don't know if you want more kids or not, you will just notice that something is missing.  When I think of it that way, I know for a fact that I want more kids.

I know I'll have to stop eventually, and one day have an empty house, but hopefully by then I'll be ready.  Maybe I'm just thinking too much and looking too far into the future instead of enjoying what I'm not wanting to change, but as a young parent it really is something to think about, I think.  Even if we have an average number of kids, our home will be empty when we're the same age as parents of young children.  

That's just something that has got me thinking lately and if it's all going to happen so fast, I'd better think about it! :)

Feel Free to Share!

Hey! Just a quick post here to thank you for the positive feedback.  I wasn't sure what people would think about this, but I am thankful you are enjoying it!  I just want you all to know that you can feel free to share this blog with anyone you think would enjoy it!  I think it is important for each and every person to know that they aren't alone in anything, and I have found that many of you have gone through or are going through the same things as me.  So if you know someone who you think would like to read this, please share!  Thanks to those who keep reading!

Resolution

This year, I decided that for my resolution, I would start doing the things I love more often.  I used to play piano all the time and write music, and I used to draw and paint.  I figure it's time to start up again.

Writing on here will hopefully warm me up for writing music again.  In and English class that I took in high school, we would always begin by writing for ten minutes.  It didn't have to be anything in particular.  We only had to keep our pens moving.  We could write lyrics to our favourite song, a to-do list, our own poetry, or what I used it for: a diary.

I wrote everything I was ever feeling in that journal.  There are days where I wrote so happily in neat writing about an event I was looking forward to, and there were days where I would scribble awful things about whatever was making me upset.  Then, when it came time to do a creative writing project, I could look back into my journal and gather ideas.

Our teacher promised not to read anything we had written, but at the end of the term, we would have to show her our journal, and she would flip through just to make sure we were actually using that ten minutes every day to write something down.

I'm hoping now that I have begun writing again, that it will influence my song-writing.  I used to only write about depressing things in my teen angst.  I would either empathise with what others went through and write about that, or I would write about things that I was going through but amplify the sadness.  I found it much easier to rhyme with words like dead, cold, blood, and hate than rhyming with happier words.

I've never been much of a romantic, so I find it really difficult to write about love and happiness poetically. However, it is what I feel now.

This blog is the first step to doing what I love again.  I love to write.  It gets my brain working in ways nothing else does.  It constantly challenges me to be creative (whether it be in words I choose, or just what I write about), and it lets me share things I feel with others who care to read my work.

I'm hoping to one day read through what I have written and have something jump out at me to use in song lyrics.  For now, I'll keep exercising my mind, and enjoying this.  I'll hopefully get a few sketches in every once in a while when I have downtime, and soon I'll be writing music again.

I think it is so important not to lose who you were before you had children.  I have felt absolutely lost without a way to be creative.  I've even done silly things like cutting Jude's perogies and placing them on a plate to look like a pointsetta at Christmas time.  But, I guess whatever I can use as a canvas will be fine for now.  Be it perogies, or an actual canvas.  Now, just to find the time...

Break Time!

I am wondering how many other moms out there can't leave their kids.  I can't.  It's not because I worry about them, or because I think they'll be so sad without me.  It is honestly because I don't know what I would do without them.  They are the coolest people I know.  If I make any plans to leave without them for even twenty minutes, as I'm walking out the door, I will often change my mind.

Even if we made plans ahead of time for Jude to stay at my mom and dad's, I wouldn't want to leave him there (a good example is when I really wanted him to come with when we were about to have Murphy).  There are days where I would give anything for a break, but then when I get the opportunity, and I have to say bye to my little guys, I will give up the break I could have.

No matter how many things drive me crazy at home with my crazy toddler, and my little baby, I just can't stay away.  As much as I want to get away from my job that never has a lunch break or coffee time, and even though I'm still on call in the middle of the night when someone is hungry, or had a bad dream, I don't think I could ever leave them for any amount of time.  Maybe one day, but I'll probably take them with...

Get a Life? Got One.

Yesterday, when Wade came home from work, I told him that I started a blog.  He replied with, "Cool! What's it about?  The life of a young mother?"  I was sure he must have saw what I had named this blog when he was behind me as I was on the computer.  He told me he didn't see what I wrote, but said, "What else would you blog about?"

Initially, I took this as offensive.  I'm not sure why.  I showed him my best sad face, and said to him, "I don't have a life".

"Yes you do!" He told me.  "I just know what it is."

It's easy to put yourself down as a mom.  It can sometime feel like what you do is useless, boring, and like you should be doing more.  Since I am a stay-at-home mom, I feel this to the extreme.  I know many other mothers who are going to school or taking online courses, who have jobs, and can still keep their house clean.  When I think of them, I feel like I may not be enough.  It's too easy to compare myself to others.

I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that I have a husband who has a job that gets us by, and if I worked, we would have to pay for child-care.  Also, I have a six month old who still needs me at home.  I still feel like people think little of me.

I've visited with people who talk down about people who still live in Outlook because it must mean they made bad choices, but little do they know that some of those people have started their own businesses, or have their own house, or are saving up to move.  A friend of mine said that "maybe it was time (insert name here) moved to the city." implying that a small town was no good for them.  I like living here because I know that it's a pretty nice place to raise my kids.

I know many people my age are at university.  They are studying to become great things.  Good for them.  Maybe that wasn't for me.  However, just like some of them might become something great, others may not.  For example, one of them may become a beloved teacher to many, and others might not have their heart in it and do a poor job.

I know my heart is in everything I do to the maximum.   What I want in my life right now is to be the best mom that I can be.  No, it's not a paying job.  I can't get a promotion.  I screw up a lot, but I always try to be better.  I found something I care about, and  I'm okay with spending my life doing this.

My friends may go on to become doctors, lawyers, teachers, and anything else under the sun, and they might become parents on top of that.  I hope they do.  Maybe, eventually I will become something more, but for now, doing what I love and striving to be better every day is enough for me to live for.  I have a life,  and it's great.

Back in the Dating Game

I know I mentioned in the last post that I am married.  It's true.  I am happily married.  However, I am back in the dating game, but it is a whole different game than before!

I'm talking about making "mommy-friends".  Unless your best friend from high school has had a baby, or you're in a group for young moms, you probably know what I'm talking about.  It's awkward.  It's uncomfortable.  It makes you self-concious, and it is NOTHING like making friends in school.  When I made friends in school, we were usually in the same grade, and most likely in the same classes.  We all had a lot in common.  Now, in the "real world" when I'm trying to make friends, there are the moms who still want to party all the time, there are the ones who are single parents and busy with juggling work, and their kids, and there are the ones who are MUCH older than me who are successful, and have successful husbands, and big houses, and nice vehicles, and dinner parties.

I never know where I'll fit in.  That is where the awkward "dating" comes into play.  I find myself asking "Will she like me?", "Will our kids get along?", "Am I not good enough to be her friend?", "Does she think I'm boring?", and many other questions as well.  Maybe I just worry to much.  Maybe I'm just shy.  But it is really hard to make friends as a mom.  I am very fortunate that I live in the same town as my mom, so I have someone to talk to about any concerns I have about parenting, but it would be nice to have others to hang out with.

I had another young mom in town ask me over for coffee and that meant the world to me.  I cried when I read the invitation on facebook haha.  I feel stupid admitting that, but I did.  I was impressed that maybe she noticed I was lonely.  When you're a young mom, you try to look as put together as possible.  You make sure you're kids are dressed nicely, and clean, and are well-fed.  You make sure you have your hair and makeup done (because you still have to look good.  You're young!), and you try to keep your house clean.  Lastly, whenever you're out, you slap a smile on your face, and when people ask you how you're doing, you say "good" (even if what you want to say is "I'm lonely.  Please hang out with me!").  

What I'm getting to, is maybe if we all stop pretending everything is great, we'll see when someone else needs a friend.  My challenge to all of you is to ask another mom over for coffee, or tea, or anything really.  Even if she's much older, or much younger.  You might make a new friend, and so might your kids.  You never know who is hiding how lonely they are!

A Little Nervous, but Here it Goes!

Hello!  Here goes my very first blog post!  I have barely written anything since high school, so I might be a little rusty, but I am looking forward to sharing my life with every one of you!

You'll be able to read about me in the "about me" part of this, but I might as well expand on it all to introduce myself.  I am twenty years old.  I have a husband (Wade) and two beautiful sons (Jude, 2 & Murphy 6 months). I was seventeen when I married my "high school sweetheart" (maybe I'm too young to use that term yet), as I was pregnant with our first son.  We were married on Valentines Day.  It was a small wedding with close family and friends.

We moved to Saskatoon, and lived there for the last six months of my pregnancy.  I hated it there.  I had only finished one semester of my grade twelve at school, and had to earn the rest of my credits at home.  All my friends were still in school, and too busy to visit, and Wade had already lived in Saskatoon for a while, so had his own group of friends.  I just tagged along wherever he went, and tried living a "grown-up" life among others who didn't have to grow up at all.

We lived in a little one-bedroom basement suite, and I found it hard adapting to being a house-wife.  It was also hard to get used to being alone all day while Wade was at work.  At school, lunch time was a time where I was surrounded by friends, and ate food made for me.  At home, I was in a dark little basement, at a table alone.  It wasn't exactly what I wanted.

A chain of unfortunate events lead us to moving back to my home town, and where Wade and I met, and where we were married.  It turned out to be a huge blessing in disguise.  Small towns were much cheaper to live in, and it was easier for Wade to find a job with so many connections around town.  We thought we had time to get settled, but at my last Dr. appointment, I was told my little Jude would be born.  It was exciting, but made the move even more stressful!

After Jude was born, I had lots of visitors, lots of baby gifts, and so many wall-posts on facebook.  Then everyone became distant.

This is why I decided to write a blog.  I know that if I open up and share things that I'm feeling, maybe others wont feel so alone.

I think it was normal for my friends to back off.  I might have done the same thing.   I wasn't like them any more.  I couldn't just drop whatever I was doing to go hang out, I wasn't applying at universities, and I always had a little "tag-a-long".  I'm sure they didn't know what to talk to me about.  They tried to visit every once in a while, but the honest truth is, they had more fun without me around.

I still wanted friends.  I should say, I still WANT friends.  I guess I still have some, and I never completely lost all of my high school friends.  They are still around, and just a text away, but our lives are still so different.  They are going to school and partying, and living a reasonably normal life, and I am at home watching cartoons with my boys, and changing diapers every few hours.  I hope they are doing well and are happy with where they are.  I know I'm happy.  I wouldn't change a thing!