Judgements

People are judgemental.  It's the way we all are, even if we wish we aren't.  It's sad.  In school we feel judged by everyone, and it doesn't really change as we go on in life.  Every one of us has been judged in our lives.

I took my boys to story time at the library this week.  Many kids preschool age are brought by their mothers or babysitters.  The moms sit around and visit, and the kids look at books, play with each other, and do crafts.  We showed up late, and I got my boys out of their coats, and sat on the floor in my own little area while Jude got the courage to make friends.

I listened to people around me.  Some moms were talking about how much their homes were worth, and what kind of house they were planning on buying, and other moms were reading to their children who could read along with some words already.  Meanwhile, Jude was walking around making up gibberish while adding a few real words in every once in a while to make it sound like a sentence.  He was playing nice with the other kids, and sharing books.  Murphy sat between my legs on the floor and looked at books with me.

I couldn't help but think that I was less of a mom than everyone else because I was young.  I'm not a home owner, Jude can't name every single animal that he sees, Murphy can't sit up on his own yet, Jude isn't potty trained, and the list could go on and on.

It seemed as though I was being judged, and they didn't even know anything about me.  But I was being judged, only by myself.  

I am way too hard on myself when I'm in public with my kids.  If Jude throws a fit, I feel that it is a direct reflection of my parenting.  If Murphy doesn't smile at someone, I think that people will make the judgement that he doesn't have a happy home.  It's ridiculous, because once I'm home, I don't think those things at all.  When I'm not surrounded by strangers, I know that Jude throws a fit because he is two and that's what two-year-olds do.  When Murphy doesn't smile at someone, it's because he's simply grumpy, or making strange.  It's normal, and all kids are like that.

I can never really know what people are truly thinking about me, or if they're even thinking anything at all, but what my mind comes up with is way worse, I'm sure.  Like I've said before, since I'm so young, I feel like I have to appear that I have absolutely everything together.  I'm going to be 21 this month, and when I go out, I want to look as good as the other 21-year-olds, but I also want my kids to look as put together as the kids with 40-year-old parents.  It's hard.  If anything is off like my hair beig a mess, or Jude's face being a mess, I feel so insecure.  However even if everything is perfect, I feel insecure, because I feel that people will think that I put my kids last so that I can do my hair.  It's just silly, and I should just let it go.  That's easier said that done.

I do find that mothers judge each other a lot.  Well, women in general judge each other too much, but parenting is just an extra thing on top of it all that we can pick someone apart over.  It's such an important part of our lives, and it effects our kids.  How could we raise or kids the best way we can, and not expect others to do the same thing we're doing?  We do everything that we do to make our children feel loved, safe, and happy.  I think that if our children feel all of those things from us, all the little details don't really matter.  Obviously people will do things you don't agree with, or you might look down on them for something, but if you step back and realise that they (like you) haven't been given a parenting manual, and they're just learning one day at a time, maybe you'll be more empathetic.  Likewise, if you step back and realise that YOU haven't been given a manual, and YOU'RE just learning, maybe you can cut yourself more slack.  Chances are that you are judging yourself more than others are.